As I
haven’t really posted an article in quite a while, there isn’t a large
consistency on my life story through this online medium. My blog has been less
my growth through God, and more my ability to sometimes be not as lethargic in
writing. Suffice it to say my supposed daily posts on Steve McCoy’s “42 Steps
Ahead” have been anything but daily. Due to this gap in knowledge, I will give
a little backstory on what has been happening in the life of Robert since last
year. Well, the singular biggest event that has since defined my life.
My
fiancé, Chelsea, broke up with me on February 23rd, 2013 at roughly
11:30pm. That’s oddly specific, because I vividly remember the current time
when she verbalized “I don’t want to be with you anymore.” It was an emotional
outburst due to having argued for the past hour and a half, or so I figured at
the time. I had thought of exclaiming the same thing when angry, but just never
had done it; and she had done this before. I tried to play damage control that
night before she went to bed.
The
next day I was surprised that her resolve was still firm, as it had never been
prior. My world fell around me, she was my purpose. I felt warm the entire day,
everything seemed pointless and insubstantial. I tried to reason to her to come
back to me for the following few days to no avail. She never really gave me any
reasons to work with, nor did she indicate one way or another why she did it (aside
from her outburst the night of). She kept giving mixed messages that I wasn’t
sure how to handle, and I prayed to God that she’d come to her senses and come
back to me.
I
realized I needed to actually hear God, instead of just yelling at Him for
letting this happen, so I did what I hadn’t done for weeks prior: opened the
Bible. I read through Acts in about 4 days, and then landed in Matthew for a
little bit. When I went over Matthew 4:1-11,
something struck me. In the Bible, when there was an issue, or a large decision
to be made, or some new chapter of life began, people fasted and meditated on
God.
I told
few people about it so as to fast in secret,
but I also wanted to ask how best to go about it, so I let a couple people in
on it. Namely, Rodney and Clay, who both decided they would fast with me to
show support and fellowship, of which I still extremely grateful. I appointed a
time to do it over the weekend, so there would be light interruption.
Any
time I heard from Chelsea (we were and are still on speaking terms) I couldn’t
think properly, so I told her we would have a period of no communication. We
agreed to talk again a week after that Sunday and discuss our future.
My
purpose going into the fast was two-fold, to ask God how to get Chelsea back,
and to get closer to God and increase my knowledge.
Of course, as many more mature Christians will point out right-away, my motives
were half wrong. I was trying to get God to do what I wanted Him to do, and He
had none of it. It became clear to me over conversations, quiet times, Romans,
and James that I was to not be with her. We had lost most of our vivacity for
God.
Steve, my pastor, had done a wonderful
sermon where he made a good
analogy. He is full of good analogies, but to save you time on listening to the
whole thing (though you should because it’s wonderful) I’m specifically
referring to his football stadium analogy, found at about 2:33 in the recording.
He compares a football stadium and field to the different stages of a Christian
walk. Outside of the field is being lost and not knowing Christ, the seats are
analogized to being a follower. However, as you mature, you start to move
towards the field. The time invested in the ‘game’ increases more and more as
your position moves forward, as it does in a real game. You have to be
intentional with God to move to the field, and if you’re not moving towards the
field you are not producing ‘fruits’. Please listen to his analogy, I’m
horrible at abridgment. The point being, I was being moved towards the field
and Chelsea was content with seat 21-B.
Of course, she broke up with me, so
there was obviously something on my end that I had done. Of course there were
multiple things that I had done wrong; I credit my addiction to pornography as
one of, if not THE largest detriment to our relationship. However, most of our
arguments stemmed directly from our dissimilar ‘rows’ in the stadium. This is
not to say I’m the bees knees, I am human and flawed just as anyone else.
However, she did not seem to me to be moving towards the field.
She refused to ‘serious talk’ with
me on the day we specified due to one reason or another, which hit me hard. I
was so prepared to give this outstanding speech on how we couldn’t be together now, but if we worked hard we could be
later. I was considerably less and less prepared each day. Since the breakup, I
had put a complete and utter stop to all pornography (and the activity that
comes with it, since it rarely if never happens on its own). But since we
didn’t talk, that began to slip. Finally, we talked about a week and a half
after we were supposed to. I gave her my coarse stance and let her off to God.
She said she felt convicted, and would go pray about it.
“Good,” I thought. “When she gets
with God we can be together again.”
I couldn’t fathom it when she told
me a few days later that nothing had happened. She wasn’t intentional with God,
there was no Bible reading, there wasn’t a revelation that came down upon her
like fire from the heavens; nothing had changed. I just couldn’t understand
what God was doing! I did what He said to do, but the result that I was
expecting didn’t happen! That’s the problem though; I was still expecting God
to do what I wanted.
Easter morning it finally clicked. I
had been up all night due to my sporadic teenager-like sleep schedule, and at
about 5:00am a wave of clarity washed over me. I can’t really explain the full
train of thought as I’ve since forgotten a chunk of it due partially to bad
memory and partially to sleep deprivation, but it finally worked itself out.
Chelsea had always been a blessing to me, from day one. I give merit to two
people in my life who worked on me the most in terms of God, and I deem her as
one of them. I grew so much from many things she did, and I count it all as her
goodness. Had she not decided to cut this cord, I would not have gotten this
springboard into my spiritual growth. I would not have read Acts and Romans
within one week of another, I would not have fasted, and I would not have grown
this fruit of Christ-like character. There’s a song
that says “What if the troubles of this life are Your mercies in disguise?”
So, what I want to say is this: Bad
things happen, but God will work them for good
if you let Him. I need to make sure this whole experience is a springboard to
grow, as opposed to just a thing that happened. I’m excited what God will do for
me in the future, and I’m glad to have the people in my life along for the
ride. A new chapter, a new season of my
life is beginning. How awesome is it that it begins on Easter, when we
celebrate the resurrection? As long as you ask, He will answer; just make sure
you listen to Him!
P.S. I didn’t know how to really
end this article, but I want to finish off with a couple things, so I suppose I
will post-script this all! Here are two
verses I heard/read that blew my mind.
P.P.S. To Chelsea: I am happy you
put this into motion, even though it was a sad event. I hope and pray that you
will enjoy a fruitful Christian life full of adventure, instead of one with averageness.
Every datable girl I can think of is a huge step down from you, you definitely
are a keeper. You helped me when I was stricken with fear, and you comforted me
when the world was crushing my spirits and your final kindness to me was to
launch me towards God in a way that I was not prepared to do. So, I thank you. There’s
nothing else I can do for you, there’s no way for me to repay you for being
such a huge miracle in my life. Suffice it to say, I miss you like crazy. We
still talk now, but I am pretty sure you’ll never read this blog (you never
really huge on it). Regardless of what the future holds, you were an amazing fiancé
and I came out better for knowing you. I'm so glad to have known you. You led me deeper into God’s love than I
would have done on my own, which is something not everyone can do. I pray
that you get closer to God and that I will see you on the field in heaven,
instead of the seats. And before I go, I’ll say it one last time; I love you, hon. <3
