Chelsea

                As I haven’t really posted an article in quite a while, there isn’t a large consistency on my life story through this online medium. My blog has been less my growth through God, and more my ability to sometimes be not as lethargic in writing. Suffice it to say my supposed daily posts on Steve McCoy’s “42 Steps Ahead” have been anything but daily. Due to this gap in knowledge, I will give a little backstory on what has been happening in the life of Robert since last year. Well, the singular biggest event that has since defined my life.

                My fiancé, Chelsea, broke up with me on February 23^rd, 2013 at roughly 11:30pm. That’s oddly specific, because I vividly remember the current time when she verbalized “I don’t want to be with you anymore.” It was an emotional outburst due to having argued for the past hour and a half, or so I figured at the time. I had thought of exclaiming the same thing when angry, but just never had done it; and she had done this before. I tried to play damage control that night before she went to bed.

                The next day I was surprised that her resolve was still firm, as it had never been prior. My world fell around me, she was my purpose. I felt warm the entire day, everything seemed pointless and insubstantial. I tried to reason to her to come back to me for the following few days to no avail. She never really gave me any reasons to work with, nor did she indicate one way or another why she did it (aside from her outburst the night of). She kept giving mixed messages that I wasn’t sure how to handle, and I prayed to God that she’d come to her senses and come back to me.

                I realized I needed to actually hear God, instead of just yelling at Him for letting this happen, so I did what I hadn’t done for weeks prior: opened the Bible. I read through Acts in about 4 days, and then landed in Matthew for a little bit. When I went over Matthew 4:1-11, something struck me. In the Bible, when there was an issue, or a large decision to be made, or some new chapter of life began, people fasted and meditated on God.

                I told few people about it so as to fast in secret, but I also wanted to ask how best to go about it, so I let a couple people in on it. Namely, Rodney and Clay, who both decided they would fast with me to show support and fellowship, of which I still extremely grateful. I appointed a time to do it over the weekend, so there would be light interruption.

                Any time I heard from Chelsea (we were and are still on speaking terms) I couldn’t think properly, so I told her we would have a period of no communication. We agreed to talk again a week after that Sunday and discuss our future.

                My purpose going into the fast was two-fold, to ask God how to get Chelsea back, and to get closer to God and increase my knowledge. Of course, as many more mature Christians will point out right-away, my motives were half wrong. I was trying to get God to do what I wanted Him to do, and He had none of it. It became clear to me over conversations, quiet times, Romans, and James that I was to not be with her. We had lost most of our vivacity for God.

Steve, my pastor, had done a wonderful sermon where he made a good analogy. He is full of good analogies, but to save you time on listening to the whole thing (though you should because it’s wonderful) I’m specifically referring to his football stadium analogy, found at about 2:33 in the recording. He compares a football stadium and field to the different stages of a Christian walk. Outside of the field is being lost and not knowing Christ, the seats are analogized to being a follower. However, as you mature, you start to move towards the field. The time invested in the ‘game’ increases more and more as your position moves forward, as it does in a real game. You have to be intentional with God to move to the field, and if you’re not moving towards the field you are not producing ‘fruits’. Please listen to his analogy, I’m horrible at abridgment. The point being, I was being moved towards the field and Chelsea was content with seat 21-B.

Of course, she broke up with me, so there was obviously something on my end that I had done. Of course there were multiple things that I had done wrong; I credit my addiction to pornography as one of, if not THE largest detriment to our relationship. However, most of our arguments stemmed directly from our dissimilar ‘rows’ in the stadium. This is not to say I’m the bees knees, I am human and flawed just as anyone else. However, she did not seem to me to be moving towards the field.

She refused to ‘serious talk’ with me on the day we specified due to one reason or another, which hit me hard. I was so prepared to give this outstanding speech on how we couldn’t be together now, but if we worked hard we could be later. I was considerably less and less prepared each day. Since the breakup, I had put a complete and utter stop to all pornography (and the activity that comes with it, since it rarely if never happens on its own). But since we didn’t talk, that began to slip. Finally, we talked about a week and a half after we were supposed to. I gave her my coarse stance and let her off to God. She said she felt convicted, and would go pray about it.

“Good,” I thought. “When she gets with God we can be together again.”

I couldn’t fathom it when she told me a few days later that nothing had happened. She wasn’t intentional with God, there was no Bible reading, there wasn’t a revelation that came down upon her like fire from the heavens; nothing had changed. I just couldn’t understand what God was doing! I did what He said to do, but the result that I was expecting didn’t happen! That’s the problem though; I was still expecting God to do what I wanted.

Easter morning it finally clicked. I had been up all night due to my sporadic teenager-like sleep schedule, and at about 5:00am a wave of clarity washed over me. I can’t really explain the full train of thought as I’ve since forgotten a chunk of it due partially to bad memory and partially to sleep deprivation, but it finally worked itself out. Chelsea had always been a blessing to me, from day one. I give merit to two people in my life who worked on me the most in terms of God, and I deem her as one of them. I grew so much from many things she did, and I count it all as her goodness. Had she not decided to cut this cord, I would not have gotten this springboard into my spiritual growth. I would not have read Acts and Romans within one week of another, I would not have fasted, and I would not have grown this fruit of Christ-like character. There’s a song that says “What if the troubles of this life are Your mercies in disguise?”

So, what I want to say is this: Bad things happen, but God will work them for good if you let Him. I need to make sure this whole experience is a springboard to grow, as opposed to just a thing that happened. I’m excited what God will do for me in the future, and I’m glad to have the people in my life along for the ride.  A new chapter, a new season of my life is beginning. How awesome is it that it begins on Easter, when we celebrate the resurrection? As long as you ask, He will answer; just make sure you listen to Him!

P.S. I didn’t know how to really end this article, but I want to finish off with a couple things, so I suppose I will post-script this all! Here are two verses I heard/read that blew my mind.

P.P.S. To Chelsea: I am happy you put this into motion, even though it was a sad event. I hope and pray that you will enjoy a fruitful Christian life full of adventure, instead of one with averageness. Every datable girl I can think of is a huge step down from you, you definitely are a keeper. You helped me when I was stricken with fear, and you comforted me when the world was crushing my spirits and your final kindness to me was to launch me towards God in a way that I was not prepared to do. So, I thank you. There’s nothing else I can do for you, there’s no way for me to repay you for being such a huge miracle in my life. Suffice it to say, I miss you like crazy. We still talk now, but I am pretty sure you’ll never read this blog (you never really huge on it). Regardless of what the future holds, you were an amazing fiancé and I came out better for knowing you. I'm so glad to have known you. You led me deeper into God’s love than I would have done on my own, which is something not everyone can do. I pray that you get closer to God and that I will see you on the field in heaven, instead of the seats. And before I go, I’ll say it one last time; I love you, hon. <3

Heartbeat and Affinity

                If you weren’t aware, I recently traveled on a whirlwind adventure to the frozen north. While not technically frozen, Canada is more than enough ‘north’ to fit the description. Indeed it was reasonably warm for my brief jaunt. I departed to visit my fiancé, Chelsea. We see each other ‘irl’ (In Real Life) quite infrequently due to the considerable distance, so it was a welcome event. The nature of our relationship dictates that one or both of us will have to inhabit an unfamiliar territory when we marry, and of late the scale has been tipped further in her direction. I had this in mind during this trip and scanned everything as if I was intending on moving there, which it seems I am. This upset Chelsea, who expressed a feeling of annoyance over my nitpicking.

It’s not as though I was wading through mud huts (or igloos) in the market to purchase sustenance, the culture is relatively the same. The issue is the small differences, whether due to being situated in a foreign country or in a heftier city. One grievance is nearly everything is vastly more expensive in Canada. The first instance that I spotted a 300% markup I was shell shocked. For example, after church my family and usually a few guests will inhabit ‘the’ McDonalds. I will expend $5.00 as a means of procuring a substantial lunch consisting of three sandwiches and a drink. In Canada, $4.39 will net you a whopping single, solitary sandwich (tax not included). Had I chose my traditional feast, it would have rung up in the neighborhood of $20.00. Canadians must have a field day vacationing in the US. “Look dear! These bottles of water are priced in only the double digits!” However, Chelsea was most displeased with me after church.

I hold a few (apparently unique) views on church. Firstly, to me there is a difference between ‘the church’ and the Church. Both of these are important. ‘The church’, pertaining to the building, to the serving of community and others, to the sermon and Sunday morning service, to the programs, and to all of the semi-governmental duties of ‘the church’ to smooth out life and provide a community center is all fine and dandy. However, the Church, or rather the assembly of people who love God and dedicate their life to Him, is of more importance. ‘The church’ only exists to help the Church in my mind. Secondly, I have an issue with Christian traditions. Traditions have a place, but they are not supposed to be in place of God.

My quandaries with Chelsea’s church fall firmly under the realm of ‘not deal breaking’. I held issues with communion occurring each Sunday, the manner in which announcements were stated, and how they received offerings. Inversely, I exceptionally enjoyed the pastor’s messages for both services I attended. I have no complaints on the Church, as I never encountered any members barring those I had known prior (e.g. Chelsea, her grandmother, her uncle, etc.). Though I imagine I am quite spoiled as I possess a church home that complements me wonderfully - the only complaint I have is the (practically) forced standing at every worship song (I am told this is a choice, I disagree). Communion happens less frequently, which makes it rarer. There are no offering plates, you simply deposit if you wish in the back after or before the service. Announcements are quick, and they take special care not to interrupt God as he works in personal lives; they go so far as to allow a few minutes in the beginning for everyone to pray silently and have their moment with God before the service, which is amazing. Because I have discovered a church in which I feel at home and supported, the notion of transferring to a different church places me on edge. I presume my familiarity is the reason I am distressed about small, insignificant things; though that may just be my nature. It’s about the ‘big picture’, right? The ‘big picture’ of… what is their mission statement again? What is their heartbeat?

God calls us to do many different things, from taking care of widows to evangelizing the lost. Usually we come across one distinctive purpose that resonates more with us than the rest, and that’s how we function to bring glory to the Lord. I would define this as your specific heartbeat. Churches have these too, often notated as mission statements. 360 has the statement of ‘Grow relationships small’ as their tagline. To elucidate on that, they mean specifically, ‘small circle relationships’. Chelsea’s church seems to be aimed more at being a mega-church with evangelism (as seen on their “our-dna” page) than a catalyst for relationships. Their tagline states ‘One church, many locations’. This doesn’t mean it’s bad, it just means our heartbeats are dissimilar. I fit in with my current church so well, but will I be as effective in this new church? It’s time to examine my own heartbeat.

I drink the Kool-Aid pretty fervently at my church, and I like to believe that my heartbeat is synchronized with theirs (and God’s). So much so that if you were to inquire as to my thoughts on the meaning of life, I would respond in one word: Relationships. Your relationship with God and your relationships with others are the principal factor in life. That’s where my heartbeat resonates, relationships. I believe that via loving another in a godly manner, everything else transpires. Even Jesus says something akin to this in Matthew 22, and Paul repeats it in Romans 13. Love God and love others, it’s quite straightforward, isn’t it? Even through this, I would have a tricky time truly loving someone who speaks a different language or has a wholly separate set of morals and standards than I do. I’m only human, what do you expect? My heartbeat is for relationships, but due to my affinity I can only relate to certain types of people. 

Forewarning, I’m repurposing the word affinity to serve my needs. For the duration of this article I’m demarcating the definition of ‘affinity’ as such: An experience, trait, hobby, or talent that allows for relatability between individuals. Therefore, one who has an experience with divorce will possess an affinity for those going through difficult marital straits. One who has battled drug addiction will have an affinity for those in the depths of cocaine dependence. This doesn’t necessarily have to be linked with sin however, nor is there only one affinity per person. Those who understand music will strike a chord with those who understand music, for instance. I need to consider my affinity as well as my heartbeat to find what specific, individual purpose I’m given. Some have the heartbeat of giving care to others and the affinity for the inner city, this would equate to inner city ministry. With a heartbeat of evangelism and an affinity for a foreign country, the next step would be missions to tell them the gospel. I suppose we could redefine another word and say that heartbeat plus affinity equals mission. So, what are my defining affinities? Children, please plug your ears and run screaming out of the room at this point. Parents, I am deeply sorry for what I have wrought.

I will skip over the rather commonplace affinities that I have (video games, computer repair) and mention my most defining affinity as it would relate into ministry (as far as I can anticipate). Unfortunately, it is an experience affinity and is the sin I most struggle with at the moment. Addiction to pornography is my largest vice, though I’m starting to suspect had I been more of a brave young gentleman with the ladies it would have grown in magnitude. It started when I was little, and thanks to my computer savvy I don’t believe I was really ever caught. It took me a long time to even realize it was a sin, much less an addiction. I started quite young, as boys are apt to do, and it proceeded throughout my entire life from that point on. Culture said it was normal and healthy, ‘boys will be boys’ is a phrase I heard commonly. When I finally came to Christ the stigma of acceptance was still hanging on the habit. It wasn’t until after Chelsea and I had started dating that it became an issue. She was not comfortable with me feeding my habit, and I agreed to her demands to stop. Well, if it were that easy it wouldn’t be a story, would it?

I proceeded to lie to her for roughly a year and a half that I had not been looking at pornography. I kept telling myself, “I’ll stop after this time” over and over. ‘Next time’ never came for me. Finally it occurred to me what I had done. Nothing sobers you quite like realizing how far you’ve fallen. I’d constantly been the voice of reason throughout high school, never getting into drugs, alcohol, or sexual promiscuity (is that a word?). I was a clever lad and everyone knew it. My teachers told me I was smart, my parents, my friends, everyone in the world told me I was intelligent. I didn’t get perfect grades, but I was a remarkable young man according to those around me. Why did I all of a sudden feel like I was worthless? I cheated on my wife-to-be and lied to her about it for one and a half years. I was supposed to be the leader, and I obviously did not deserve that designation.

It took me a long time to understand it was an addiction, and even longer still to tell anyone. I was afraid I would lose the only woman who had ever reciprocated interest, and that was scary. The night I decided I would tell her was the only night I ever dropped into a Christian chat room. I couldn’t get a hold of anybody I could talk to, and I needed to talk. I needed advice. I needed validation that I wasn’t worthless. I had always had self-esteem issues, but I didn’t realize it had been built up by Chelsea until I demolished it with this. I asked shakily if anyone would listen to my story and give me advice. A bighearted fellow by the handle of “Hunter” agreed to do so. Though, I suppose the scene was very comical at the time, the server for that particular chat room had been just reset and so in order to do private messaging we all had to register (again for most). Hunter had an issue with this, so it was nearly twenty minutes until I was able to let it out.

I told him about my pornography addiction and my lies that persisted for so long. He told me that God still loved me, which was something I desperately need to hear. He told me of a website that gave out lessons for helping those with addictions in a Christian manner, but would only give me the address if I promised I would finish it. I promised, and with a few more words of kindness I felt composed enough to sleep for the night. I started my first lesson on Setting Captives Free the next day, and then confronted Chelsea. I told her about everything, and my plan to rectify it. She was, shall we say, very displeased with me. How she concluded to stay with me I do not know, but I thank God she did.

Unfortunately, this sin still hangs over our relationship like an unwelcome guest. I have been so far unable to kick this addiction and it has created abundant tension between us. There are still kerfuffles between us due to this (and other things), but generally we are okay. If God always has a plan for events in our life, what was the point of this experience?  Really it’s hard to tell, but I can say that I understand brokenness more now than I had before. I am by no means perfect, or even close. I’m simply a burgeoning young adult who needs to learn to walk more in step with his creator. Even so, now I will be able to understand someone afflicted with addiction. I will be able to walk along side another man that needs to tear down his lies. I will know that no matter how often, consistently, or fantastically I fail, there will always be at least one being that loves me unconditionally. God.

The same applies to you, dear reader. What's more, he gave you the experience for the task ahead. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is custom tailored to you through your heartbeat and affinity. What are they?